So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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