Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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