She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
