Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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