my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
