Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
