cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
