Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
