so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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