just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
