I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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