a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
