I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
