I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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