I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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