I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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