4 words: hood of his car
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
