Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
