Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
