I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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