just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
