I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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