Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
