Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
