Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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