i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
