you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
