Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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