Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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