Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
