Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
