apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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