Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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