I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
