she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
