I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
