if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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