Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
