I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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