What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
