so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
