My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
