You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
