I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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