she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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