You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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