sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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