I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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