Your dad touched me again.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
