just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sober January is a disaster.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
