I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
