I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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