using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
